The Muffins
by ZEET
Summary: Ranch dressing? flamingos? Eric? I've Finally addd another muffin-filled CHAPTER! Read on!
1. The Idea

Disclaimer: No I don't own any of these characters. (If I did Zim would have blue hair and I'd be filthy rich.) Ok, this is my first fic ever; please R&R. EEEE! Excitement fills me.... now losing excitement. No, I'm not on drugs and I have no clue where this story is going. Enjoy.  
  
****** On one lazy afternoon in spring time Gir and Zim lounged on the couch watching T.V. in their horribly decorated living room. Gir was slurping his nuclear waste flavored freezy and watching his 37th favorite show The Angry Mice. While Zim tried to think of a way to take over the world.  
  
Gir: (giggling) Look at that one and that one there 're so red! Zim: Quiet Gir I'm trying to think. Gir: SHHHH MONKEY! The commercials are on. (Throwing freezy in the air.)  
  
The freezy landed on the floor and ate a hole in the stained carpet. His eyes robotic widening, Gir watched the commercials with excitement. One was advertising cosmetics, another cheese graters. (We know how important those are.) Zim watched in delight thinking to himself of how he could use those graters to decrease the size of Dib's huge head. When something on the T.V. caught his interest.  
  
T.V.: That's right; April 17th is national Muffin Day! The National Muffin Contest will be held here in the sunny state of North Carolina. This event will be televised all over the doomed world, as we know it. Zim: All over the world eh... Gir: Can we go please! I'll be good! Zim: GIR! How many times have I told you not to use language like that in this house? (Glaring at the startled robot.) Gir: I'm a bad lil robot. Zim: That's right, and we shall go to that muffin contest. There we shall rain doom on their doomed muffin stuffing heads! And.. Gir: Make the best darn muffins you ever had! Zim: (looks down shaking his head.) Gir, now I'm going to my lab to scheme.  
  
Zim skipped to the to the toilet and merrily flushed himself to his lab. Gir continued to watch his shows. And Dib, who was spying outside, chuckled to himself.  
  
Dib: Another pathetic attempt to take over the world Zim? HA! And of all things a muffin contest. What are you gonna do addict the world to your muffins... that's not a bad idea. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!  
  
Dib screamed at a near by squirrel. The poor creature ran away startled. Dib on the other hand ran home to do some planning of his own. ******  
  
YES! My first chapter ever! I will write more chapters and maybe make it a little longer next time. Sorry if you hated it and you wasted "valuable" time of your life. Don't worry the next chapter will be better I promise. And if you don't like it you can come to my house and spit in my hair, leave a burning bag of stuff on my porch or whatever... if you can find me... MUHAHAHA! 


	2. The bubblegum

****** Zim sat at his desk in the miserable prison humans called school. Reading a motorcycle operation manual he found at the bus station behind his history book. The day before in his secret lab he had decided it was best to travel by a form of human transportation. A motorcycle would be best because he only had to transport himself and Gir and he wouldn't have to pay for very much fuel. Pay? No, steal much fuel. Also he had made a few minor adjustments on the motorcycle he had stolen the day before. The Irken civilization was far more advanced in technology and Zim thought himself superior to the filthy earth creatures called humans. Even though he couldn't figure out how to work the toaster.  
  
Dib sat a few desks away glaring at Zim, trying to see what Zim was reading behind his history book. What are you trying to prove Zim? That you can take over earth? Or make really good muffins? Dib pondered thinking to himself. The previous day Dib had convinced his dad to take him to the muffin contest in North Carolina. This was good, very good because not only could he spend time with his dad, annoy Gaz by dragging her along, but mostly because he could follow Zim and somehow prove he was an alien. His dad, Prof. Membrane, had decided to enter the contest himself thinking it would be good publicity and for Gaz she would find some way to entertain herself. Most likely never remove her eyes for her Gameslave3.  
  
The bell rang and the students rushed out the door eager to go home. Miss Bitters screamed something about homework on mutant bunnies eating your brain and Dib happily walked out of the school building. Zim on the other hand had ran home, he knew he and Gir had to leave that afternoon in order to get to the contest on time. Zim found Gir on the couch eating a power bar. Zim grabbed his gear and started strapping it on the bike. He felt a faint tug on his shirt and looked down. Gir in his doggy disguise was holding a blue duffle bag implying for Zim to strap it on the bike.  
  
Zim: Huh? What's all this?  
  
Gir: Oh, just a few necessities. You know, my bacon soap, curling iron, cosmetics, socks, sugar packets, butt warmer, earmuffs, my stuffed piggy, paper clips, crayons, gummy bears, nail care kit, and an espresso maker.  
  
Zim: Gir, you can't even use most of that stuff. What's really in here?  
  
Zim started unzipping the bag but stopped when he heard a familiar voice belonging to that earthworm Dib.  
  
Dib: So, going on a road trip eh Zim?  
  
Zim: Shut your noise tube.  
  
Dib: I'm going to North Carolina tomorrow.  
  
Zim: What are you getting at Dib? (Strapping the bag to the motorcycle.) Dib: I know what your up to Zim and where ever you go to cause complete utter chaos I'll be there.  
  
Zim: Really? What am I up to? Last time I checked I was going to borrow a cup of sugar to make my granny's birthday cake.  
  
Zim put on his rather stylish leather jacket and snazzy pair of sunglasses and climbed aboard his motorcycle. Gir hopped right up behind him and pulled out a pair of sunglasses and put them on. Then the little robot pulled out some bubblegum and started chomping on it.  
  
Dib: (His eyes narrowing.) You don't have a grandmother.  
  
Zim: Later, enormously headed Dib creature.  
  
Gir: Bye Dibby.  
  
Gir blew a bubble as big as Dib's head and popped it. Leaving sticky, pink bubble gum all over Dib. Zim laughed and pulled off on to the open road. They were on their way. ****** 


	3. The Motel

OK, I have no idea where I came up with this but flow with me here.  
  
******  
  
Zim: THAT WAS THE WORST HUMAN FILTH I'VE EVER TASTED AND YOU WANT TO CHARGE HOW MUCH?  
  
Zit faced teen: uh... $1.20...  
  
Zim: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE SAUCE IS ORANGE!  
  
Zit faced teen: I'm sorry sir but you'll have to take that up with the manager. There are other customers waiting.  
  
Zim: DO NOT SPEAK TO THE ALMIGHTY LORD, ZIM, IN THAT TONE!  
  
Security guard: Sir, I'm only going to ask you once please stop strangling the cashier and get out.  
  
Zim: Fine! But, I'm taking my free cookie!  
  
Zim marched out of the fast food restaurant infuriated. He stared down at Gir who was strapped to the motorcycle with layers of duct tape. He had to be taped down because he had covered Zim's eyes when he was trying to drive and almost caused them to crash into a truck full of chickens. Without a word Zim mounted his bike and set off on to the road.  
  
Gir: Can we stop for ice cream?  
  
Zim: No.  
  
Gir: Can we listen to my tape of bagpipe songs from all over the world?  
  
Zim: No.  
  
Gir: Let's play a game. How about I spy?  
  
Zim: No.  
  
Gir: ...I gotta go to the bathroom.  
  
Zim: Don't make me gag you!  
  
Gir: But I really gotta go!  
  
Zim: Gir, robots don't use the restroom.  
  
Gir: I'm gonna explode!  
  
Zim: OK, you do that.  
  
Gir: I'm gonna be sick...  
  
Zim: Huh?  
  
Gir: Oh... motion sickness.  
  
Zim: Put you head between your legs.  
  
Gir: I can't, I'm duct taped down.  
  
Zim: If I give you this cookie will you shut up for the rest of the way?  
  
Gir: *GASP* But what if your about to crash or something, then can I talk?  
  
Zim: Do you want the cookie or not?  
  
Gir: YES!  
  
Gir bites the cookie out of Zim's hand. They rode for about 2 more hours passing hitchhikers, clowns and for some strange reason weasels wearing cowboy hats. The sun started to set over the horizon and the sky gradually darkened.  
  
Zim: Maybe we should stop and get a hotel, but I don't trust these filthy humans.  
  
Gir: What ever you say Commando!  
  
They pulled in to a 2 story old rundown motel. There was a sign on the front flashing Bate's Motel. Zim thought it looked fairly decent and the place looked to be deserted.  
  
Zim: Check it out Gir we might bee the only guests tonight. Do you know what this means?  
  
Gir: We don't have to share a bathroom with them?  
  
Zim: I was thinking more along the lines of getting a proper sleep but that would be a plus too.  
  
They entered the motel; Zim approached the desk and rang the bell. A shady man stepped in to the room. They paid for the cheap room and turned in for the night.  
  
Zim: Hey, that guy at the front desk... he seemed like a nice chap.  
  
Gir: To bad when you take over the earth he'll be the first to go.  
  
Zim: That's the most intelligent thing you've ever said.  
  
Gir: Me and the cowboy squirrels are friends.  
  
Zim: Well, I'll be catching me some sleep, I say.  
  
Gir: Cheerio! ******  
  
Did anyone pick up on the motel was suppose to be similar to psycho? Hmm? Or the how Zim and Gir spoke a bit of British towards the end? Well maybe they aren't very British... but the cheerio was icing on the cake! Where is my bagel? Where is my Easter candy? CURSE YOU SNACKS CURSE YOU! 


	4. The muffin tins

Thanks for all of the reviews! You guys are like my new muffin minions for soon I'll over throw the current muffin lord! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA HA! I'm telling you that chocolate Easter bunny went straight to my thighs. ******  
  
The next morning Gir and Zim woke up and check out of the motel.  
  
Zim: Jeez... didn't even get any complementary soap.  
  
Gir: Would have been good to chuck at cars too.  
  
Zim: That's my mischievous robot. Uh... Gir you want to explain this?  
  
Zim said pointing to the blue duffel bag that was strapped to the bike. The top was half open and exposing a bright blue tub.  
  
Gir: That's... my... moisturizer GIMIE!  
  
Zim: What's all this? A wooden spoon, flour, sugar, baking soda, muffin tins in the shape of squirrels! GIR JUST WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING WITH ALL THIS!  
  
Gir: I wanted to enter the muffin contest. I'm sorry master.  
  
Zim: That's right grovel at my feet... Gir you should know better. (Bending over picking up blue container) You should never use Crisco; butter is better.  
  
Gir: You...* sniffles * you mean I... we can enter the contest.  
  
Zim: That's what I was intending to do... but the squirrel shaped muffin tins surprised me!  
  
Gir: YAY!!!  
  
Zim: You know what Gir; these muffin tins give me an idea. Is there a Thrift store around here?  
  
Dib lounged in the back seat of his father's SUV. (What kind of car dose he have? I don't no but SUVs are awesome.) He was on his way to the muffin contest and one step closer to destroying Zim's plans. Gaz was sitting up front playing away on her Gameslave3.  
  
Gaz: GAHHH! DIE YOU MUTANT PIGGY PIES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Dib: Is it the end of the world again Gaz? (Leaning over the seat)  
  
Gaz: Shut up! You're in my light.  
  
Dib: Whatever. Hey, Dad are there any snacks left in the cooler?  
  
Prof. Membrane: Huh? There are 100% non-healthy snacking goods stashed in there somewhere.  
  
Dib climbed back to the very back and searched around for the cooler. Once succeeding to find it he opened it and grabbed a bag of deep fried Twinkies and a Twix bar. Suddenly Dib was hurled backward when the car pulled to an abrupt stop.  
  
Dib: What's the hold up dad?  
  
Prof. Membrane: There seems to be some type of protest up ahead.  
  
Dib: I'll settle this.  
  
Dib got out of the car. Up ahead was a number a yellow, fluffy, ducks marching around in a circle quaking loudly. Dib approached the ducks and started screaming at them to move their hides. But, the ducks just turned and stared; then continued to march in their circle making a tremendous amount of noise. Dib went back to the car snatched up his Twix bar and chucked it at the nearest one. MISTAKE! (You'll see) The ducks started to run in different directions and fly off. Dib returned to the car and shut the door.  
  
Dib: Problem solved. ****** Never ever piss off ducks! Or hit a crazy person. I already have a great idea for the next chapter. I also drew a smiley face on my foot. * BLINKS * Where is my mind today? Where is my stuffed penguin? Where is that elf with my latte'. AND WHO ATE MY LOLLY POP! Man, it's chaos around here. 


	5. The Thrift Store

Ok, this is it! I'm going to eat my finger! Vanilla Finger that is... it's a type of cookie. On with the story!  
  
****** Zim: Does this make me look fat? (Standing in front of a mirror in a penguin costume.)  
  
Gir: Why yes, yes it does. (Rummaging through a trunk full of clearance items.)  
  
Zim: (sighs) I've tried on 52 costumes and either they don't fit right or make me look like a pansy.  
  
Gir: (Sticks head out of trunk.) Why are we doing this again?  
  
Zim: It's logic Gir. You see we and a thousand other morons are going to be making muffins. And we don't know a freaking thing about making muffins! We'll do our best and make the coolest muffins ever or... they'll turn out rotten.  
  
Gir: (Puts sock over head.) And your point is?  
  
Zim: If we wear costumes it may help to impress the judges. You know jazz it up a bit.  
  
Gir: Kick it up a notch!  
  
Zim: SHH! You want to get sued my Emeril?  
  
Gir: AHHH HA! Here you go master the perfect thing! (Hands him a pile of clothing.)  
  
Zim: Uh... I'll try them on I guess.  
  
Zim went in to the dressing room for the 53rd time that day. It was small, but had a full-length mirror and a hook to hang things on. The room strangely smelt like day old pudding pie. (HA! Don't know what that smells like do you? It's delicious.) After trying on the out fit Zim realized it was a cowboy out fit. He wore a blue button up shirt open revealing his white under shirt with tan cowhide pants. Complete with spurs on his boots and a white ten-gallon hat on his alien head. He thought himself pretty spiffy. Gir burst into the dressing room with a "Hi there!" He wasn't wearing his doggy costume but a flaming red cancan girls dress. On his robotic little feet he wore red, 3-inch high-heeled shoes and a red head wig with a feather hairpiece atop his robot head.  
  
Gir: Looking for a date hot stuff? (Putting on lipstick.)  
  
Zim: GIR WHAT ON IRK ARE YOU WEARING?  
  
Gir: Oh, do you like it? The fabric is amazing! It goes SWISH! (Does a ballet twirl.)  
  
Zim: GIR YOU TAKE THAT OFF RIGHT NOW!  
  
Suddenly some guy's head peeked out from under the wall looking up at Zim. He looked to be in his 30's and had a scar over his eyebrow.  
  
Zim: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Some Guy: What's the problem? You're upset because your daughter chooses to dress like a slut?  
  
Zim: THAT'S NOT MY DAUGHTER!  
  
Some Guy: In that case can I borrow Miss Sweet Cheeks for a minute?  
  
Gir: I charge 3 tacos an hour.  
  
Zim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GET YOUR PIG-CHICKEN HEAD OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM!  
  
Some Guy: Fine you don't have to yell.  
  
Zim: (Turns to Gir.) What were you thinking! If we weren't going to take over the world we would pack up and go home right now!  
  
Gir: AWW I'm sorry but I was just trying to go with our theme.  
  
Zim: Well, I really do like this costume more than the other ones. As for yours... it's a nice color... get rid of it!  
  
Gir: But!  
  
Zim: Come Gir lets see if we can find you another costume and you can be my cow or something. Time is wasting.  
  
Some Guy: Hey can I get some help here?  
  
Zim: AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! DON'T DO THAT!  
  
Some Guy: Sorry, but do you have any toilet paper?  
  
Zim: Let's get out of here.  
  
After checking out they left the tiny shop and headed back to the motorcycle. They had found a horse costume so Gir could be Zim's "noble" steed. The costumes were surprisingly cheap. Gir tossed them into the duffel bag and pulled out a lollypop and started sucking on it. They hopped on the bike and pulled out into traffic.  
  
Gir: CHERRY!  
  
Zim: Where'd you get that?  
  
Gir: ...I don't know. (Pulls out a gumball from his doggy suit pocket.)  
  
Zim: EEESH! This human filth looks disgusting! I can't see how you don't burst into flames when you touch it.  
  
Gir: I found it on the floor.  
  
Zim: It's 11:00! We got to get going if we want to make it there today!  
  
Up ahead there was some sort of commotion. The traffic started to slow and then stopped. There were about 20 cop cars and a bunch of traffic cones. Zim being the daring Irken he is drove up on the side to see what was the hold up.  
  
Zim: You there pig-cop!  
  
Po-lice: (That's how we say it in D.C.) I'm gonna have ta ask you ta turn around sir this road is closed.  
  
Zim: Do not speak to the almighty ZIM in that tone! You will obey the fist!  
  
Po-lice: Right. You'll have to dun turn 'round there be a spill so the road is CLOSED.  
  
Gir: You herd him obey the foot! (Takes his foot and pokes the cop in the belly. The cop's belly starts to jiggle.)  
  
Po-lice: Are you questioning my authority?  
  
Gir: CHERRY! (Throws lollypop in cop's face.)  
  
Zim floors it before the fat cops can waddle to their cars and chase after him.  
  
****** Who was that guy in the store? What was the spill? Where did Gir really get that lollypop? Will Gir take up a secret life of prostitution? Find out next time! I'm going to go sucker punch my cousin! 


	6. The Campgrounds

  
  
Zim: I feel so dirty... like a carrot!  
  
Zim and Gir pulled in the campground of the Muffin Contest covered in a slimy white substance. What was this substance? Ranch dressing! (Didn't see that coming did you?) Zim dismounted his bike and approached the check-in cabin. In the lobby were a few chairs, plants, and strangely some plastic flamingos. He went up to the desk and rang the bell once. Twice. Thrice. He peered into the back room and saw a short, pudgy man with blonde hair in a sweat-stained t-shirt and tattered jean cut-offs, watching T.V. Zim tapped on door and waved to the man with a generous smile. The man looked and paused for a moment with a confused look. Then turned back to his T.V. show. Zim knocked on the door and said he wanted a camp space. The man croaked, "In a minute." So Zim went out to the lobby and sat in one of the chairs and stared cautiously at the flamingos. Then slipped off the chair and inched toward it. Zim poked it and it wobbled. Startled he jumped back and knocked over a basket. He seized a pink umbrella that fell out of it and held it up to the flamingo's chin. Meanwhile the man came out of the back room and stared wide-eyed at Zim.  
  
Zim: Not so smart now pink, plastic fiend...  
  
Man: Ah-hem...  
  
Zim: Oh... yes, well I'd like a site. (Dropping umbrella.)  
  
Man: Well, you can have space E-17.  
  
Zim: Thanks buddy.  
  
Man: That's 37. (Punching keys on cash register.)  
  
Zim: Huh?  
  
Man: 37 dollars.  
  
Zim: Look the wall!  
  
Man: (Turns) What?  
  
Zim: (Snatches hand full of money out of the cash register.) HERE!  
  
Man: Uh... I'll just take this.  
  
Zim: Keep the change my man.  
  
Zim trotted back out to his motorcycle. Seeing that Gir was still strapped down he mounted and drove off toward the campsites. He drove past rows A through D and turned down row E. Once he came upon the campsite he noticed there was a tent already set up. He dismounted and went in it to find someone was asleep inside it.  
  
Zim: Hey! You there out of my tent!  
  
Eric: (The Muffin Lord) Whosawha? Who a you?  
  
Zim: I'm the great ZIM and you are in MY space!  
  
Eric: Oh yea well I'm THE MUFFIN LORD and you are in my space!  
  
Zim grabbed Eric by the collar and threw him out of the tent. Eric shook his fist at Zim and then hopped on his yellow and pink scooter and fled. Zim went over to the motorcycle and pulled out a sleeping bag, a rope, and something yellow.  
  
Gir: I want a fruit cup.  
  
Zim: What is this fruit cup you speak of?  
  
Gir: You know those cans with little pieces of cherries and peaches and pineapples and flamingos...  
  
Zim: Sounds delectable... anyway we must prepare for the bake-off tomorrow! Now I've looked at this cookbook and I think these blueberry muffins are quite nice.  
  
Gir: I want to make taco puffs!  
  
Zim: Hmm we don't have all the ingredients for this RECIPE. Especially since you ate all of the flour.  
  
Gir: I can't help it I'm addicted...  
  
Zim: We must go to THE STORE!  
  
Gir: I have a problem...  
  
Zim jumped back on the motorcycle and sped off to the open road. Almost running the author's best friend, Erin over. Meanwhile, Dib and his family checked in to a nearby hotel.  
  
Gaz: Sweetness! We have cable!  
  
Dib: And shower curtains!  
  
Prof. Membrane: And a toaster! Finally I can enjoy my pop-tarts!  
  
Dib: I'm going to check out the buffet! And... prepare for Zim's downfall... MUHAHAHA!  
  
Zim and Gir, in their disguises, entered a local supermarket. Zim grabbed a shopping cart and stuck Gir in the baby seat. He strolled down the aisles picking up items on his list. Then stopped when he came to the sugar aisle. There were many bags of all sizes and brands. He picked up a 4 lb bag of sugar and another 4 lb bag and started muttering to himself. Gir on the other hand was fidgeting in his baby seat. He then looked to the end of the aisle and saw a huge platypus. It was really some teenager trying to earn some cash by being the degrading mascot of the store. Gir then escaped his restraints and ran towards the platypus. Zim didn't notice because he was to busy with his sugar problem.  
  
Gir: DUCK BEAVER!  
  
Platypus: Oh joy...  
  
Gir tackled the platypus and continued to run around the store causing chaos. About 15 minutes later a part of the store was on fire, the manager was going nuts, the customers running out of the store and Zim was completely unaware of this.  
  
Zim: Well I guess if I'm to take over the world I should get two bags. Yes now I'm done. GIR!  
  
Gir: (Rolls down the aisle in an ice cream carton.) Yes master?  
  
Zim: It's time to go. We need our rest for tomorrow.  
  
Gir: YAY!  
  
Zim: Hey, how'd you get out of your baby seat anyway?  
  
As they left the store Zim noticed an ambulance loading in a huge platypus. Who seemed to be muttering about doom and green puppy dogs.  
  
Zim: What a freak.  
  
Gir: I want some burritos!  
  
Zim: Maybe next time.  
  
When they reached their tent Zim once again found Eric asleep in their tent and kicked him out. Then Zim rolled out his sleeping bag and started inflating the yellow ducky inner tube he had gotten out earlier. Once it was inflated he tied the rope to it and stuck it onto Gir.  
  
Gir: What's up with this? Are we going swimming at the water hole?  
  
Zim: No that's your restraint so you don't wander around in the middle of the night.  
  
Gir: OK!  
  
I know I took a long time in writing this chapter. These things take time. I was on a quest to find the remote for the T.V. and got side tracked and some how ended up in the land of milk and honey. 


End file.
